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Of Change and Vulnerability

So far, I’ve made 4 major moves in my life. When I was 15, moving from Indonesia to Singapore, When I was 17 from Singapore to LA. 26, from LA to Singapore. This is my 4th one, which was also the hardest one. I’ve had an amazing life in Singapore in the last 6 years. I’ve made lots of new friends and I got to do things that I really love. Like dancing, and getting involved in the arts. But somewhere in 2015, I realized that was still not what I want to do ultimately and I felt it’s time for me to go home. And so I decided to leave. The decision was not easy cause it meant leaving a life that I love. But to be honest, I was sort of done with that life – the one with me working too much.

I went through all sorts of emotions in the period after I made the decision. There was a lot of fear that came up: I’m going home to the unknown, I didn’t really know what I’ll be doing back home, plus I kinda have to rebuild my network and figure things out again since I haven’t lived in Indonesia for 16 years, etc. But all these made me even more sure of packing up and going, cause really, cloaked by the fear was a calling to go back to Indonesia.

I felt/ still feel vulnerable throughout the whole process. Cause it feels like jumping off a cliff while not knowing its depth and not knowing when the bungee cord is gonna pull you or when the parachute is gonna open. But I realized that feeling vulnerable is good. it allows me to feel all the emotions, fear and all, which in turns reminds me that I am human, and for me to be kinder to myself in this process. It allows me to be completely honest in admitting what I want out of life, and therefore I have the courage to go and get it. Vulnerability also reminds me that I’m never alone in my journey. And so I reached out to people, talked to them and let them help. I took lots of deep breaths and thanked the fear for visiting, and send it on its way with lots of love.

And now here I am, writing this from my hometown. Missing Singapore and its people greatly of course. But also completely thankful to be home with my parents. Lots of new things and opportunities to be experienced. And I’m just going to let my heart lead the way.

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