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Journey back to Mother’s Womb

The Kingdom of Happiness is a place that has tugged the strings of my heart for a very long time. When my friend Gladys shared casually that she was organizing this trip during one of our monthly Skype calls, I said a very loud YES immediately (without knowing how I was going cover the trip). I just knew I would be there.

So as always, the Universe provided and shortly before the trip, it was revealed to me one of my past lives in the land. I flew the DrukAir that early morning on the 1st of October with a knowing that I was coming home. And right enough, as the plane made its maneuver around the green mountains of the Kingdom, as it navigated towards the tarmac, my heart joyfully screamed that she is home.

In the following 8 days after that, I walked a journey back towards my Mother’s womb, as guided by Tara, as the representation of the ultimate Divine Mother.

 

I walked deep inwards into the lands, caressing every veins of leaves and every granules of soil. 

 

Photo taken by Shin Lan on the field towards Chimi Lhakhang

The earth, is my home. In it, I am alive. For the first few days I was extremely quiet. My soul seemed to only want to listen to the vibrations the dwellers of Mama Gaia.

 

I almost ran towards this tree on the courtyard at the Chimi Lhakhang (Temple of Fertility) like a child running towards her favorite friend. I spent several moments quietly just being with her. Only afterwards that I knew this was a Bodhi tree. A tree that I have mentioned repeatedly in the 4 weeks previous to the Bhutan trip as I kept telling a friend of mine (who owns a carved Bodhi seed) how I wanted to see the full thing in glory. And there she was.

 

Photo captured beautifully by Gladys Lee as I was communicating with the tree

This was a tree that called me outside Punakha Dzong (also known as Palace of Great Happiness). Upon touching this tree, for the first time, I physically felt the pulsation of the trees upon my hands. Communicating, communing, with Mama Gaia.

 

The rocks of the hills towards Chagri Goemba (or Cheri Goemba) spoke to me. I was allowed to take one home and I found an eye lovingly ‘keeping an eye’ on me on the way home. Communication with nature continued.

 

Photo taken by my wonderful guide Jamyang Dorji using my camera

On the trail between Chele La Pass and Kila Nunnery, I heard the songs of the mountain in my soul’s ears, as well as the songs of the prayer flags. I understood how the macrocosm is the same as the microcosm and that I am a part of both and all. I was in the smallest of spores and in the farthest of trees. I was one with all.

 

The rock of the caves at Taktshang Goemba pulled me down in a wash of familiarty. The terma (treasure) uncovered by the terton (treasure finder) in the form of a large rock with a thumb print of Guru Rinpoche felt like a dear friend that I just met again. Rocks always store so much memories in them.

 

I walked through the doors of past, back to the beginnings. 

The currents of memories course through my veins, creating my blessed perfect life.

 

As soon as I stepped onto the grounds of Punakha Dzong, I knew it was special. As soon as I saw the left most mandala on the main hall, I felt like I passed out for a split second. I was triggered, and my heart was on a roller coaster. This mandala was my beginning. I was once under the maker of the mandala. This mandala was also our beginning, the beginning of our cosmos.

 

This valley, the Phobjikha Valley, was once my land, where I roamed free and wide. I was emotional as I sat on the ledge looking down. I go to this place a lot in my meditation, not knowing where it was. I was finally physically there.

 

The Universe went on an effort to make me find this mandala on the gong by first knocking my head upon the rock near where it was hanging. But I only managed to see it at the end before I left.

I was also triggered. My heart felt deeply and widely in all directions and dimensions. I remembered the gong’s vibration and also knew that it was part of my past. I understood that my connection with mandala had started hundreds of lifetimes ago. I always forget with each rebirth, but the memory remains in me and eventually surfaces.

 

I walked back into Mother’s Womb, allowing myself to be embraced by her magnificent love.

Along these tall trees and mother earth, I had the most amazing connection with our tour guide. At one point, I shared how I love Tara and my connection with her has started intensifying before the trip and how I had been chanting her mantra. Then and there, I was also shown what an amazing role my guide has as an angel in this trip. Divine Mother spoke through the voices in my head, the images I see, the earth, trees, humans, and everything around us.

 

At the Taktshang Goemba, the Universe sent several different reminders of the Compassion chant, Om Mani Padme Hum. The reminders included the wonderful monk chants that was heard throughout the mountains, 2 locals who started chanting around me one after another as I got closer to the Monastery, and this sign that (again) led me to a short discussion with our wonderful guide (He was always at the right point and the right time to lead us to the right direction). It says om mani padme hum hri – which I was told to mean that the mantra is repeated a hundred times.

Upon the final and hardest part of the ascent, along with the reminder from the last local who chanted while climbing next to me, I took out my mala (or mani chim in local language), and started chanting 108 Om Mani Padme Hum all the way to the top and closed it with 3 Ohms. I did the same chant on the most difficult ascent back. Both done while being breathless, with burning thighs, trying to keep going on the steep climb. The Universe seems to remind me that on the toughest climb, trust that the Divine is there to guide you.

 

In this Lhakhang Karpo (White Temple), I was pulled down on my knees, unable to get up again, leaving me prostrating in front of Tse Lha Nam Sum (the Trinity Godess of Long Live). Yet again I was affected, my heart felt so much – elation, gratitude, melancholy, and love. I bowed down to such an amazing loving great power. I cleared my karma and opened myself wide to receive all her love.

That same night, during Rebirthing Breathwork, I owned my power of feminine and beauty and activated all 12 chakras.

 

On the last day of the trip, we had the pleasure of taking a traditional hot-stone bath. In the bath, I felt the most amazing bliss and spent the majority of time just curling in a fetus surrounded by the warm water as if I was back into my mother’s womb. Being the last significant thing I had on this trip, this felt like I had completed my journey back into my mother’s womb.

 

Land of the Thunder Dragon. Homeland.

 

Gangtey Goemba – a place where I truly felt I was a local.

I never imagined that so much of my past (that made up the person that I am) started in this magnificent Land of the Thunder Dragon. I drew the picture below in the rocking car on the way from Gangtey Goemba back to the capital Thimpu. I had one amazing meditation that morning in the lodge by the Goemba and saw this image.

Our past, present, and future are merely dimensions of the same point in time. There was no separations of the 3 and they all reside in ourselves.

 

Our eyes at our back are the brightest for we see best to the past.

Our third eye sees our way into the future.

But the most important one is the one that sees with the heart.

 

 

Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha

I prostrate to the Liberator, Mother of all the Victorious Ones.

 

with love,

 

 


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The Next Breadcrumb: Yoga

I’m sitting here in my bedroom, the night before I start my first day of Yoga Teacher Training Class. And the whole week, I’ve just been through a whole lot of mixed emotions about this.

Part of me is scared. There is a little voice in my head that keeps asking questions like “what if I can’t make it?” “what if I can’t keep up?” What I’m scared most of is whether I will have the stamina for it.

In the last 2 weeks, I’ve started taking 3 yoga classes a week, increasing the intensity with slightly more intensive classes and slightly longer sessions and even that was tiring enough. All the tiredness and injuries from the time when I was in dance rose up to the surface and I got stuck in the unpleasant memories. And I kept thinking how the first 10-day intensive, which is going to be the longest, and maybe the hardest, is going to suck.

I haven’t even started and I already declared that it’s going to suck. We’re not off to a good start here, Meta!

I don’t want to start with a wrong foot and the wrong energy. So let’s start over. Why do I want to do this?

I want to do this because It’s been in my mind for several years and I’d really like to give this a go.

I want to do this cause in the last 17 years, since I took my first yoga class in high school, yoga has always been what I come back to when I need balance, when I need exercise, when I need to move my body, when I need to connect with my body, when I need to find peace, when I need to release, when I need to love myself more. Nothing else sticks (not running, not gym, not swimming, nothing) but Yoga.

I want to do this cause taking normal classes is no longer enough. Yoga for me hasn’t been just about the poses and the exercises for a while. It’s been beyond that in a way that I can only experience and not necessarily can put into words. And I’m thirsty for more: I’d like to understand the seed of Yoga: I’d like to understand the energy of the movement and the breath, where’s the flow, where’s the center, what’s the state of my nerves, where is my consciousness, where is liberation in my body, how does freedom and strength works in a magical marriage.

I want to do this so I can use this as a vehicle to share with people about self love and having a beautiful relationship with our bodies.

In the end, I realized that I’m scared cause I’m going to have to go even deeper into being compassionate with myself when things gets tough and all I want to do is to give up. I feel like the Universe is smiling at me saying “hey, you said you want to share with people about this right? loving your body, being compassionate with it and all that? then here you go, a chance to understand it better.”

And I’m also scared because I feel like a lot of healing is going to happen, which means I gotta be vulnerable and open myself up, and that’s scary. 

I still have pressure I’m giving myself, for reasons I don’t yet know. I really don’t know where all these pressures come from. [I lied. I know. Growing up with a (mild) Tiger Mom + having to go through SG insane education system under scholarship bond + having a personality type that always wants to do well have a lot to do with it.]

But when the pressure comes, I remind myself that this is just a breadcrumb. I have a philosophy that life is about following the breadcrumbs. So this is really just another breadcrumb that I’m following, which is simply going to lead to another breadcrumb.

My life has been a whole journey of following the breadcrumbs, which has lined up perfectly to get to where I am today. In the journey, sometimes I get lost on where the next breadcrumb is, but it always shows up eventually. I get frustrated on certain breadcrumbs I have to pick up cause I wanted the shiny rock off the path that looks prettier. But the rocks don’t lead anywhere, so I come back to the breadcrumbs.

And this time, yoga is one of my breadcrumb and I shall follow it. Even if at this moment, despite my eagerness to learn, this breadcrumb kinda feels harder than others.

So I’m calling out for support from you. Please send some cheers and support and hold my hands if I need a hand to hold on to.

I can do this!

On Sadness

Greetings, folks 🙂

I haven’t been writing much cause I was traveling for a little bit and I’ve been needing a lot of alone time.

I’m not alright. Well, actually, I’m alright, I’ve just been sad. And that’s alright.
In this life, often, we work too hard on being happy, that we make sadness not okay. And because we make sadness not okay, we don’t know how to handle sadness.

Sadness is uncomfortable and it doesn’t feel good. It particularly turns me into a beautiful fountain of salt water. (Maybe that’s why I love going to the ocean when I’m tender – so that my salt water merges with the ocean salt water and I become a part of something bigger, no longer feeling so alone.) But that’s the more reason to make friends with sadness.

I’ve been through a lot of sadness – many different kinds and each one is never the same as the other. I’ve been through a very deep sadness that made me so afraid of sadness. But that didn’t work cause the more I was afraid of it, the more it sneaked up on me and took me by surprise and engulfed me in it until I no longer knew who I was.

So after experiencing that, I said no thank you and I started getting to know sadness and being a friend to sadness.

These days, sadness is like that friend that I rarely talk to, but once in a while would come and visit and demands a lot of attention from me. Since sitting around with sadness is uncomfortable, naturally, I try to avoid it – I would surround myself with other people, get myself busy, avoid certain songs. But guess what, unless I attend to sadness, it will never go away.

Like tonight, I was on my way back to my room after hanging out with my family and I got a little voice in my head that goes, “you sure you want to go back to your room? cause you’re just gonna be sad.” And there was a part of me that wanted to do a 180 and say “you’re right! let me just go back and entertain myself some more.” but instead, the wiser part of me replied “yeah, I’ll be alright :).  it’ll be good.” And I went and spent more time with it.

I never knew how long sadness will stay or how much I need to attend to it. I wish I could put a specific date to it – “okay, you can only stay for 2 days and after that you gotta go, cause happiness is gonna come and I need to spend time with happiness.” – but that’s not how it works. It will come when it comes and it will go when it goes.

And to be honest, I’m blessed to have reached a point in my life where joy is always around (even though sometimes it’s playing hide and seek with me). Joy makes dealing with sadnessmuch easier. And sometimes joy occupy sadness and takes sadness for a walk so I don’t have to attend to it, and that was really nice of joy to do that.

This time around, when sadness arrived, I was actually reminded of another friend that I can bring along to make spending time with sadness much easier. So I called up compassion and ask compassion to be around whenever it can while I play host to sadness. And what a great companion compassion is – its presence softens things and made me embrace sadness with an open heart.

So there you go, folks, I’m playing house with sadness, who drives me crazy sometimes, and makes me cry in a puddle on the floor whining “i’m miserable and in pain, help me! just take it away from me! why do I have to go through this? where is that magical band-aid when I need it? I got a boo-boo and can someone kiss it now so I feel better?”

But other times, I’m alright. We sit here together, playing my uke and singing and crying, and drawing, and reading and it’s all quite enjoyable. And oh my lordy lord, the insights we have come up with just from sitting here together have just been beautiful. These insights shines a beautiful light on areas that I can grow to be a better, more loving and more compassionate person, and these insights have always shown that there has always been love and that there is only love.

Yeah, sitting around with sadness ain’t bad at all.

And when things get a little crazy again, I remind myself of what Glennon Doyle Melton said:

“What happens when we transport ourselves out of the pain is we missed all of our transformations. Because everything that we need to know to become the people we were meant to be is actually inside of our heart loneliness. So when we jump out of it, when we jump out of our mat, we are like caterpillars who jumped out of our cocoons right before we were to become butterflies.”

See that, folks? Imma be a butterfly.

“It’s morphin’ time”
– Power Rangers

Love always,

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