I’m sitting here in my bedroom, the night before I start my first day of Yoga Teacher Training Class. And the whole week, I’ve just been through a whole lot of mixed emotions about this.
Part of me is scared. There is a little voice in my head that keeps asking questions like “what if I can’t make it?” “what if I can’t keep up?” What I’m scared most of is whether I will have the stamina for it.
In the last 2 weeks, I’ve started taking 3 yoga classes a week, increasing the intensity with slightly more intensive classes and slightly longer sessions and even that was tiring enough. All the tiredness and injuries from the time when I was in dance rose up to the surface and I got stuck in the unpleasant memories. And I kept thinking how the first 10-day intensive, which is going to be the longest, and maybe the hardest, is going to suck.
I haven’t even started and I already declared that it’s going to suck. We’re not off to a good start here, Meta!
I don’t want to start with a wrong foot and the wrong energy. So let’s start over. Why do I want to do this?
I want to do this because It’s been in my mind for several years and I’d really like to give this a go.
I want to do this cause in the last 17 years, since I took my first yoga class in high school, yoga has always been what I come back to when I need balance, when I need exercise, when I need to move my body, when I need to connect with my body, when I need to find peace, when I need to release, when I need to love myself more. Nothing else sticks (not running, not gym, not swimming, nothing) but Yoga.
I want to do this cause taking normal classes is no longer enough. Yoga for me hasn’t been just about the poses and the exercises for a while. It’s been beyond that in a way that I can only experience and not necessarily can put into words. And I’m thirsty for more: I’d like to understand the seed of Yoga: I’d like to understand the energy of the movement and the breath, where’s the flow, where’s the center, what’s the state of my nerves, where is my consciousness, where is liberation in my body, how does freedom and strength works in a magical marriage.
I want to do this so I can use this as a vehicle to share with people about self love and having a beautiful relationship with our bodies.
In the end, I realized that I’m scared cause I’m going to have to go even deeper into being compassionate with myself when things gets tough and all I want to do is to give up. I feel like the Universe is smiling at me saying “hey, you said you want to share with people about this right? loving your body, being compassionate with it and all that? then here you go, a chance to understand it better.”
And I’m also scared because I feel like a lot of healing is going to happen, which means I gotta be vulnerable and open myself up, and that’s scary.
I still have pressure I’m giving myself, for reasons I don’t yet know. I really don’t know where all these pressures come from. [I lied. I know. Growing up with a (mild) Tiger Mom + having to go through SG insane education system under scholarship bond + having a personality type that always wants to do well have a lot to do with it.]
But when the pressure comes, I remind myself that this is just a breadcrumb. I have a philosophy that life is about following the breadcrumbs. So this is really just another breadcrumb that I’m following, which is simply going to lead to another breadcrumb.
My life has been a whole journey of following the breadcrumbs, which has lined up perfectly to get to where I am today. In the journey, sometimes I get lost on where the next breadcrumb is, but it always shows up eventually. I get frustrated on certain breadcrumbs I have to pick up cause I wanted the shiny rock off the path that looks prettier. But the rocks don’t lead anywhere, so I come back to the breadcrumbs.
And this time, yoga is one of my breadcrumb and I shall follow it. Even if at this moment, despite my eagerness to learn, this breadcrumb kinda feels harder than others.
So I’m calling out for support from you. Please send some cheers and support and hold my hands if I need a hand to hold on to.
I can do this!